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Friday, March 26th, 2004
12:35 am - only because i'm all caffiened up
which is probably the only reason i am here at 12:30am when i should be in bed getting a decent night's sleep for the long exciting weekend ahead of me. a long, exciting weekend. it's like i have to convince myself. jesus, i'm an ass. oh well. it's a flaw. i've got more. but i try not to dwell. someone other than myself has been updating their friendster profile. hee hee. someone other than myself should not be this entertaining, intriguing, plaguing my thoughts at this particular point in my life. but it's ok because asses with flaws are often vulnerable to these weaknesses. vague vague vague. mist. surrounding mist. reaching in a partially blind way for ....you know, something. or maybe just trying to get around without falling down.

tracy and iris agree. this blonde redhead verse is exceptionally good and palpable:
lying on my back. i heard music.
felt unsure & catastrophic. had to tell myself it's only music.
it blows my mind. but it's like that.

well, i'm hoping for the beast (ha ha, a funny freudian slip. i meant to type "best"). the best best. best. i'm hoping to always do the right thing. i'm hoping that this is a weak moment, that this is a way for me to escape and no more. i'm hoping that this is more a sign that i want to do something more with my life than this. i am getting oh-so-sick of this. and i don't mean the kind of "this" that starts with a big-R, but THIS as in my complacent feelings and humdrum way of carrying on when really i'm just fucking bored and too tired to do anything about it. wow. did that not so vague statement just leave my brain in some articulate fashion and therefore embarrassing manner? embarrassing, yes. i can tell by my hesistation and hovering pinky threatening to delete me. delete. it's out. i'm bored. terribly. kitty wants to play. kitty is curious and precariously trying to balance on a beam too unstable to traverse. only to see what happens if she makes it across. kitty sees something scrumptous.

i'm making some plans. i gotta do something about this frivolous longing. someday i'm gonna get bored of that too and then what? i'm making plans. i want fulfillment. see: purpose. this is a beginning. or is it just the caffiene talking?

current mood: pensive

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Tuesday, March 2nd, 2004
10:30 pm - don't delete me from your favorites
this is for you. yeah you. you know, you. come back come back come back and read my drivel. deliver me from complete and utter self reflexivity. because i like to share. dooo-deee-dooop. hey let's drink tonight. it's lonely in here. dooop-deeee-dooooo. lemme bore you out of consciousness and will to see. oh yeah. great, great stuff.

there, i've updated.

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Sunday, January 25th, 2004
2:11 pm
i think there's something severely wrong with me. i can't stop the feeling of feeling sorry for myself. no matter how much i try to convince myself that i'm OK, there's this wretched knot in my stomach that says otherwise. i don't understand!!! it pains me that i don't understand this!! there's nothing wrong and i'm unhappy. everything appears to be good and i'm unhappy. i want to throw up all of the sudden.

where is my resolve? why do i have to hang on why? i try not to be mental....try so hard to keep every little thing real. perspective-you know. and sometimes, it doesn't make any sense. i wonder why i try so hard when i spin around to the same conclusion that i don't know a damn thing about any of it.

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1:11 pm - "i know i've spent some time lying"
what happened? I was gonna wake up early, have some coffee, read a magazine and do my laundry. instead I woke up later than I wanted to, drank half a cup of coffee, screamed at my boyfriend (who woke up singing) and punched the wall so hard my knuckles are purple and swollen.

it occurs to me that I can only blame pms for so long before I have to come clean: I’m extraordinarily unhappy and I haven’t any idea how to resolve it. my dad says I should take tylenol for my pains. it’s worth a shot. except, he thinks I’m sick. I’m beginning to think he’s right on target. but tylenol might not do the trick. although it will prevent the throbbing headache I foresee coming on after I stop my pathetic sobbing.

2 tylenol + 1 shot of vodka + teaching myself how to play “the new”

repeat until consciousness is no longer an issue

oops, that sounded like a suicide note. I’m depressed, but I’m not desparate. i know when this passes I’ll be fine. I don’t know how I’m gonna deal with damage I’ve made this morning, but it’ll be OK. I’ll be OK.

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Wednesday, January 21st, 2004
12:09 am - i am the go-go in whisky-a
You're The Whisky! You like to get wild and have a
crazy time. You don't care what others think
of you, as long as you're having fun. Just
make sure you don't forget about the serious
side of life!

What Los Angeles Music Venue Are You?
brought to you by Quizilla

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Tuesday, January 20th, 2004
6:20 pm - decisions decisions
do i want to document my fun weekend activities or do i want to ramble incoherently about absolutely nothing in particular? both sound boring and useless, so it must be a win-win situation....for me. hairy creatures are escaping from my lego box. eek. it must be a metaphor for my state of mind: hairy little thoughts are escaping me at random moments appearing on the surface of my brain looking gross.

time to eat. me and ryan are going to have italian at canyon crest, my old hood.

current mood: blank

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Thursday, January 15th, 2004
12:08 am - online burps
i hate online burps. it got me three times already...nevermind. doldrums. it isn't anything i can't forsee forgetting about in the next couple of days. so fuck it. i'm completely exhausted. my right arm hurts and i didn't do anything. my left calf also hurts. strange. i feel like i got beat up but the only activity my body has undergone today is my head...

oh well, it ain't anything. it don't matter.

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Sunday, January 11th, 2004
11:21 am - photoshop therapy
i'm feeling a wave of satisfaction washing over me. option-click; click, click. hmmmm. yessss. yesssss. i'm touching up an old photo of my grandparents (from the 40s) and there are a lot of scratches that i've been successful at concealing. yay me.

perhaps if i drown myself in self-adulation, i can suspend that aching i feel when i realise my grandma is gone. ...not that i think that denial or escapism is a good way to deal with death, but ...i dunno. certain terrains of my mind fucking suck.

so i'm putting together a powerpoint presentation for the memorial on tuesday. i've got these amazingly beautiful old photographs that are so amazingly cool it's almost hard to believe that's my family. i'm so used to seeing them within my own context of the world--i have these static perceptions of who they are, what they do, and how they behave. in these old photographs, they exist beyond my puny understanding of them. they have these grand stories, or not-so-grand, even mundane stories (but they're grand to me, mythical backgrounds to a world that i can't be a part of), so colorful, so ...cute.

UGH. back to scanning and stamping. unlike photoshop, this medium of writing is a one-way train wreck directly to those terrains in my mind that fucking suck. gotta get back to feeling like a goddess.

current mood: thoughtful

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Friday, January 2nd, 2004
11:11 pm - we like chance
so i went random. it's a beautiful thing. and i discovered something berry berry cool on iTunes - the start/stop option. i made some rough edits on some songs that i love but thought when on too long. i'm not sayin that i'm gonna change my name to DJ Vertigo-go or anything, but there is a sense of satisfaction when you can exercise control over details like that.

my last minute addition to the mix was "it's your thing" by the jackson 5. i need some more groovy R&B. sometimes it just really hits the spot.

other bands that are fat on my playlist: chemical brothers, ladytron, david bowie, beck and oingo boingo. fun fun fun. mp3s are delectable and outrageous. i think i may have sparked a midnight hobby.

current mood: cheerful

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8:51 pm - sorting
my plans to hang out with an old friend fell through, so i'm spending the evening with my headphones and 8 hours of party music to compile. i don't really need 8 hours worth of music but i might as well. as it is i have about 11 hours shortlisted. my dilemma: do i select the order or do i randomize? i'm reassessing how achy my butt is. it may have to go out later to shaky off the achy. it would be cool to have ultimate control over the mix though.... and yet i wonder, will anyone even notice? first things first. must edit. it will all have to fit on one cd. we'll see how anal i get.

current mood: okay

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Tuesday, December 30th, 2003
6:22 pm - lovely
isn't that a delicious word: lovely? i like it.

for christmas, john gave me a pack of polaroid film. he asks, "do you take pictures anymore?" hoping, i think, that he got me a good gift. i replied, "not too much anymore, but i will!" he said, "maybe this will inspire you to work on some art." yeah maybe. cheeky bastard. stewing defiantly....why does he care whether i make art or not? why does he feel the need to inject inspiration? calming....it's a thoughtful gift. if i spent less time being pissed at myself, i can appreciate the gesture. calming. calming. yes, john. thank you

AND i have an idea. no spoilers though. i want to see results.

current mood: amused

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Sunday, December 28th, 2003
1:21 am - in case any of you were wondering...
iris, your subconscious mind is driven most by Peace

You have a deeply-rooted desire to make peace in the world. Whether through subtle interactions with loved ones, or through getting involved in social causes, it is important to you to be able to influence the world in a positive way.

You have a deep respect for humankind. You care about the future of the world, even beyond your own involvement in it, and you inspire others to feel the same way. Your innate drive toward peace guides you in daily life towards decisions that are respectful toward yourself and others.

Your psyche is very rich; the more you learn about it, the more you will understand who you really are.

current mood: better

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Saturday, December 27th, 2003
11:56 pm - the skin i'm in is not the right fit
or maybe it's good to be a freak. i'm awfully moody and self reflective in all the wrong ways. the long drive home tonight got me thinking about how uncomfortable it is to be me. i just feel so awkward and wrong most of the time. like if i were somebody else, i'd like myself a whole lot more. but that's just silly. isn't it? i mean, i'm just going through some kind of self deprecating stage (again) right? i just wish that i could be satisfied with the person who occupies this shell. it seems i never am. but woe as me. right. see i can't even express how much i dislike myself without immediately mocking myself. pathetic. i wish i could feel better. i want to feel better. but when i try it's just awkward. i can't force it. i can't force the better. i'm not a good liar. how do i make this better, iris? how do i shake the feeling that everything i do is somehow wrong? how do i turn off the voice in my head that is making this a big fucking deal? it's my new year's break down. perhaps. the annual let's-look-at-all-you've-accomplished-this-year-and-find-a-big-lot-of-nothing, or worse--the same! perhaps. it wouldn't be the first time.

i just took an online IQ test cuz it came as a pop-up and i'm feeling quite vulnerable. i scored 127 and was labeled a "visionary philospher" which means that i am highly intelligent and have a powerful mix of skills and insight that can be applied in a variety of different ways.

if highly intelligent means severely depressed, then OK i buy that. if all visionary philosophers are dumbasses and all dumbasses are self loathing thumb suckers with their heads (and thumbs) in the ground then which of the following is true:
--iris is a dumbass
--iris is a self loathing thumb sucker
--iris is a visionary philosopher
--iris is a severely depressed and freezing her ass off in her room
--it is impossible to tell

while you ponder, i'm gonna take an online inkblot test to reveal my unconscious mind...

current mood: depressed

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Sunday, December 21st, 2003
1:04 pm - constipated reality
a daze. i've been walking this week in a total daze. and every time i look behind me i see myself 20 feet away in a play that is or isn't my reality. the thought occurs to me that i am participating in a role in some kind of surreal adaptation of my life, but that's just wishful thinking. this IS my reality and pretty soon it's going to catch up with me and i have to own the person i've been watching from afar.

[a mixed review from the editor's chair says "go do something productive." and so it begins. my journey forward for today.]

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Thursday, December 4th, 2003
9:19 pm
this is not an attempt to try to undermine your authority. i haven't been able to sleep and i need to just get it out of my system. i told you that the thinking is neverending. i thought i told you, well nevermind. i want to present you with a gift. it's a trinket really. don't be shy. wouldn't you know, i lost the key. i'm no good at picking locks. this is what happens when i wander. no, it's not the first time. second, third, forty-seventh. whatever. please don't. i bruise like a banana. [alex, you are so witty]. in the time that it took to write these seventeen droll sentences, i've listened to 2 interpol songs. baby, my heart's been breaking. aaw.

current mood: silly

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Wednesday, December 3rd, 2003
7:54 pm - return to the usual internal chit chat
goodness, i have been away for awhile. la la la. can't stop listening to leif erikson. who is leif erikson anyway? midori sours are making me happy...and helping me forget the horrid horrid day i had at work today!!! "the clock is set for nine, but you know you're gonna make it eight. all the people that you've loved they're all bound to leave some keepsakes." wow. "I've been swinging all the time, think it's time to learn your way. i picture you and me together in the jungle it will be ok."

let's see. moving has been an adventure. we blew a fuse our third night here and then ventured through the dark to find the box at 2 in the morning by candlelight. when we finally discovered the old thing we realized the ummm...i just had this sudden realization that I'M BORING MYSELF TO TEARS. so let's just say i've moved and i'm settled and that's all. spit hack shiver quake. yessssss quake. heh.

i've started talking to myself. it wasn't a conscious decision, but every once in a while, i'll catch my mouth spewing rants or productive criticism. i know that these ramblings go on in my head all the time, but now they're escaping my lips, and frankly, i find it quite annoying. if i wanted a play by play commentary on my day to day, i'd ...plunge a webcam on a wireless remote in my forehead and have something to show for my mundane existence. Iris' very exciting life of drinking and self absorption. FUN! shake your honey bun. need more midori. need more interpol. [iris mixes another drink and turns up the stereo] happy now...

absorbing now...

current mood: blah

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Monday, November 10th, 2003
9:55 pm - taking a break
2 1/2 hours and not much sewing to show for it. i've sewn probably 20 inches of zipper unto to the fuzzy zigzag fabric. my fingers are feeling kinda fuzzy themselves. ugh. i don't think i'll finish tonight. not unless i stay up till 4 or 5. this week is going to be interesting. kumdo practice tues, wed, thurs. friday i gotta get my shit together and pack like a maniac. saturday i'll hopefully have enough together to throw in a UHaul. sunday finish packing/unpacking and cleaning my bunker hill apartment. monday is celebratin with junior senior and the ryan bday troupe. which also begins another hectic week of kumdo kumdo kumdo kumdo and tournament! yikes. thank heavens for the 4-day holiday weekend. gorge and sleep. sounds dreamy!

current mood: busy

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Sunday, November 9th, 2003
9:55 pm - the hours fly by
10 o'clock. hmmm...i've got 4 paper bags and 2 boxes ready to go! maybe i shouldn't have gone to guitar center to buy new bass strings and look at amps....maybe i shouldn't now go and attempt to change my bass strings. i did all my laundry! that's an accomplishment at least. jeebus, i don't know why my energy is so low on this moving thing.

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12:09 pm - hee hee
guess who's still sitting in her office chair afraid to turn around? now that i've read all my previous journal entries, i've come to the conclusion that i'm a humungous dork with a penchant for hard liquor. le fin.

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11:22 am - OH, the procrastination
on the laundry list today:
• laundry (weeeaaaaaah!)
• get boxes
• sort shit for the house, sort shit for storage
• pack (weeeeeeeaaaaah!)
• sew zipper on futon cover
• drink at least 7 more cups of coffee

so i'm moving into a house with Dave and Jenna next week. inside i'm totally excited and giddy, but when i look around at my apartment, i just wanna come straight back to office chair and stare into the computer monitor which at a certain angle, does not reflect the pig sty that is my living room. if i do the zen stare beyond the monitor, all i see is a nice, clean off-white wall. hello, nice, clean wall with nothing on it to pack! even Ryan, Mr. Organiza-Guru, was looking around pitifully at my mess and said, "You have a lot more stuff now than the last time you moved." WEEEEEEEEAAAAAAH! hello, nice, clean wall with nothing on it to pack.

achem...changing the subject, i had a high score of 55 at Tina's birthday/bowling party last night. my kumdo arms only throw gutter balls, what can i say? but they ran consistently to the left. and consistency counts for a lot i think. the pins were just in the wrong place.

OK, must get moving before noon. i have to accomplish something before noon. i wish i could just project myself and my life into a video program and speed up this process so that i can do 4 times as much in half the time. wait....that still requires that i actually do something....swoooosh swoooosh...new wish....i wish i could snap my fingers with a smile and a glint in my teeth and be done packing! then clap twice, smile a toothless smile with a glint in my eye and wow! my laundry is clean and put away! are the glints too much to ask for?

"g-g-g-ge-get GET BUSY, CHILD!"

current mood: NOT

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